Ramblings

146 months later

Sat, 21 Aug 2010 17:46:20 -0400

What seems like four score and seven years ago on a sweaty day in June, Michelle and I blissfully exchanged wedding vows. Much has happened in our lives since then, and now we consider ourselves to be old married farts.

As we were driving up north for a quick weekend-getaway, we thought it would be interesting to rewrite our wedding vows and make them a more accurate representation of today.

We now present to you our new and improved wedding vows:

I, Marty continue to wake next to thee, Michelle, my wedded wife.

I will trust you and honor you,
and not push you off the bed when I come over to spoon.

I will love you faithfully,
and will fully participate in “Hug a day in the month of May.”
And when I hug you (or give a juicy zerbert),
I will not smear nose grease on your glasses.

Just as this ring is a circle without end,
I will put away my clean clothes,
and put away the dishes after they are washed.

In sickness and in health,
I will clean the bathroom mirror if I fling goo when flossing my teeth,
my chest hair will remain trimmed (but not too prickly),
and my toenails will remain clipped and free from lint balls.

For richer or for poorer,
I will throw my undies away as soon as the elastic peeps through,
and replace the TP roll when there are three squares remaining.

As I have given you my hand to hold,
I will also hold your head
when you need to blow chunks in the toilet (rare, but it has happened).

Through the difficult and easy,
the cats will get their monthly baths,
even if this means I have to clean up their hairball-surprises during summer.

Today, tomorrow, and forever,
I will make use of my outdoor voice when indoors,
retain a sense of youthful and caffeinated energy,
and seek unending ways to live creatively.

So I give you my life to keep,
and my life insurance policy when I kick the bucket,
so help me God.

-----

I, Michelle continue to wake next to thee, Marty, my wedded hubby.

I will trust you and honor you,
and push you off the bed when you come over to spoon.

I will love you faithfully,
and keep the gas tank above half full during the winter months,
even though I think it’s silly and unnecessary.

Just as this ring is a circle without end,
I will continue to shut the doors to the medicine cabinet and all the closets
behind you until I am no longer able,
and will keep stacking your clean undies in nice little piles.

In sickness and in health,
I will better organize my shoe obstacle pile in the closet,
keeping the non-manfriendly shoes in the back.

For richer or for poorer,
I will enter the receipts in the checkbook and not mess up the math
even when I use the calculator.

As I have given you my hand to hold,
I will continue to make smiley faces in the leaves
so that this autumn task does not seem as daunting as it really is.

Through the difficult and easy, the cats will one day get another sibling;
it will just take more time to convince you of that.
Or, I’ll just come home with one.

Today, tomorrow, and forever,
I will find time for us to rest together,
make Michelle-style dinner creations that blow your mind,
and continue to be your bestest-ever-artsy-fartsy friend.

So I give you my life to keep,
and my life insurance policy when I kick the bucket,
so help me God.

G-recharger

Sun, 8 Aug 2010 17:41:00 -0400

I was chatting with a good friend and fellow gum-chewer the other day, and a juicy idea jumped out of nowhere. BOOM! Just like that, the idea smacked me in the face.

Here’s the idea: a gum-recharging device. I imagine it would look a lot like the hand crank pencil sharpener that was mounted to the wall in our elementary school days.

Once your gum loses it’s flavor after a few minutes of chewing, you’ll stick the gum in the little adjustable-size hole, crank the handle a few times, and then your freshly recharged and flavorized piece of gum will drop into the gum receptacle attached to the unit.

After all, in our environmentally conscious world, gum should last for more than five minutes, shouldn’t it?

Glad I am not a tree

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 20:55:46 -0400

All the neighborhood drama from last week’s storm damage has caused me to think about trees.

Even when a tree hits ninety years old, it continues to grow. Compare that to humans: once we’re done fighting our way through puberty, we’re done growing. What you see is what you get. And by the time we hit the big 4-0, it all goes downhill. (Literally! That’s when we start shrinking.)

Imagine if we were like most trees and continued growing until we died. Let’s play out this thought for a few minutes:

By the time you turn 40 years old, you’re 25 feet tall. You have to start ducking to avoid power lines when you’re walking down the street.

Then when 50 hits, you’re wearing a size 143 shoe. Your shoe laces are twenty feet long, and your big toe is the size of a cantaloupe (not as tasty, though).

Fast forward to 60, and you’re a whoppin’ 45 feet tall and a 52’ semi trailer is the only vehicle you can fit in. It’s not a comfy ride, so you prefer to walk. You’ll get there faster anyway.

Once you arrive at 70, your pant size (if you’re a man) is something like 34–302. (If you’re “big boned” then it might be closer to 44–302). Due to your never-ending growth spurt, you grow out of your clothes every six months just like you did in Jr. High School.

Now imagine, you’re 80 and looking better than ever, enjoying a nice walk down the street on a breezy summer day. WHOOSH comes a wind gust and suddenly your arms cracks off just like a tree branch falls during a storm. No worries, though…it didn’t hurt much, and you still have one good arm remaining. Plus, you figure you’ll regrow a little stub-arm that will be functional in another few years.

Just to add a little more flavor to this human/tree comparison, wouldn’t it be hilarious if our hair fell out every autumn after a displaying a beautiful array of orange and red color, only to return in full strength the following spring?

Lemony-lime

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 19:51:25 -0400

I’m working on a brand new product innovation I’m referring to as “Marty’s Lemony-lime®.”

It takes me a few weeks to perfect this special breed of fruit, but certainly eliminates the need to purchase lemons and limes separately at the grocery store.

If you’d like to buy one of Marty’s Lemony-limes®, I’ll sell this one to you for a very special limited-time offer of $9.99! (Perhaps I should call this a “very limited-time offer,” because this guy is getting greener by the day.)

Body glue

Sun, 13 Jun 2010 21:31:39 -0400

After suffering from a few too many self-inflicted bumps and bruises this week, I am convinced that ibuprofen is the super glue that holds the bodies of us old people together.

(Disclaimer: for the purpose of this rambling, “old” means over 30 years of age. That age range may change tomorrow depending on how I feel.)

Puddle jumping

Sun, 6 Jun 2010 18:38:15 -0400

Today I spilled fruit smoothie mix on the floor so badly that it brought out my inner child. I wanted to jump around in the sugary mess like kids go jumping into puddles, just for the fun of it.

Thinking of classic summer activities, I bet a Slip 'n Slide would be made even more fun on a hot summer day if it was covered in lemonade, or perhaps Piña Colada!

Sherbet sunset

Thu, 27 May 2010 22:09:47 -0400

I like to think that during the peak color of sunset, if I scooped up a handful of clouds, they would taste like just like a magical blend of orange sherbet mixed with grape flavor accents in the texture of fluffy whipped creme.

I'm not usually a big fan of sherbet, but right now that's all I'm craving!

Cozy

Sun, 16 May 2010 20:26:39 -0400

While wandering around the yard tonight and looking for another blog-inspiring photo to capture, I stumbled upon a nest of tent worms settling in for the evening. Several dozen of the little furry critters were snuggling up with each other on their silky hammock strung between a few branches. So cozy!

Watching the tent worms' evening routine made me realize – Michelle and I need to get a hammock!

Ant slide

Sun, 2 May 2010 19:53:27 -0400

I wandered around the backyard this afternoon looking for anything small and intriguing to take pictures of.

After trying to get a shot of a fly sitting on a tulip, I looked down and saw dozens of beads of water floating weightlessly on top of the tulip leaves, glistening like diamonds.

Beautiful!

Even with the leaves angled toward the ground, the droplets remained suspended, defying gravity — until I nudged each leaf just enough to dislodge the drops from their hold and send them sliding down.

It got me thinking...I wonder how frequently a little ant or spider happens to be hanging out here, minding his own business, only to be swept away by a massive water droplet steamrolling down the leaf, making it an ant-sized water slide. Whoooosh!